There has been a lot of attention in recent years to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. As a provider, I see teachers and principals pushing parents into an office to see if their child could also have ADHD. Many of the times, the hyperactive kids are the first to be pushed into a psychiatric office. A lot of parents have a good understanding of how much their child has struggled before entering my office and are open to any help.
But ADHD exists on a spectrum.
For inattentive ADHD, things can be different.
For girls, it can be completely missed until later in life.
The struggle is much more silent.
The tears that flow from trying to sit down and doing homework. Their cries of "I'm just too stupid" after failed attempts at doing school work. Being lost and embarrassed when being called on and having no clue what was even asked. The constant feeling of being overstimulated and overwhelmed. Spilling everything. Yelling at them to just stop or screaming why can't you just sit still and listen so many times that you are convinced you must be damaging their self-esteem.
Then you find out that your child has ADHD.
Some parents hear the diagnosis of ADHD and feel a bit lost. Maybe you also had to take ADHD medications as a child and hated it. You didn't want this for your child.
Or maybe it just doesn't seem that bad. I mean, they aren't really getting in trouble at school and they seem to be getting A's and B's for the most part. Why medicate them?
I will speak to this as I was not diagnosed until I was 30. I was extremely anxious, shy and quiet as a kid -- I always got good grades. In college, I procrastinated often and would cram everything into a 12 hour period the day before the assignments were due..Those days I would hyperfocus so hard, I wouldn't even move from my chair to eat. Somehow I came out on top of my class.
But that is not the full story. Up until my diagnosis, I had crashed my car multiple times against poles or in parking spaces. My friends joked about what a terrible driver I was. I have been in more near-accidents than I can count. I lost my wallet and credit cards so often that the bank raised flags on me. I would cry because I am just so tired of losing my keys or phone, and no one else seems to have this struggle. My husband viewed me as aloof, not there and never listening. Truth be told, I didn't even know he was talking to me most of the times. I have no memory of it, and I didn't even hear anything. I could not even sit still through a movie or follow a storyline. As much as I love reading, I'd read over the words and not be able to comprehend a thing.
As I got older and developed more responsibility, it became more apparent. I would forget to pay bills, attend meetings, or sometimes I'd forget how to even get home from work.
Having ADHD is hard. It is exhausting. I used to spend so much energy focusing on my job that by the end of my day, I would literally feel that my brain was so exhausted that I needed to go to sleep at 6pm. I'd be irritable and overwhelmed. I'd beg people not to move at all when they were in the car with me, because I might get distracted. I just thought that was all normal.
Without medication, there are ways you can certainly cope. You can bust your butt and work harder than everyone else around you and succeed. It doesn't take away from the pure exhaustion behind that. Medication has been incredibly life-changing for me. I believe it has positively affected my ability to work, my ability to have friendships, to complete my schoolwork, to communicate and to thrive in my marriage.
I can now get tasks done without making 6 lists and losing them all. I am no longer a walking tornado. I no longer spend 2 hours a day searching for lost items. I can read books. I can enjoy movies. I can drive safely.
I know that there is stigma behind medication. I'm not saying it's something that you should feel bad for not doing. It is a very personal choice for every person, every child and every guardian. I definitely do have other options for kids who have ADHD as far as holistic treatments, and sometimes those things can work really well. But sometimes, we might need to think about medication.
As parents, we look at our kids and get frustrated. They don't listen to us. They're purposely being defiant. They refuse their homework. They won't sit down. Why won't they just calm down and stop talking?!
Let's talk about the symptoms and how they may impact us.
Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities
Imagine studying for math class, and you think you finally understand the formula. You feel awesome about your next math test. When you do to do your test, you rush through it and end up mixing up the + and - sign. You failed the test.
Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities.
Everyone around you seems to be really excited about watching this movie at a party. You got lost halfway through the movie and now don't know what's going on.
Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
You are sitting next to your friend on the couch, both on your phones. All the sudden, your friend screams, "why don't you ever listen to me!?" You didn't even hear them for the past 5 minutes as they told you about a new breakup.
Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
The teacher reviews the assignment for the project due tomorrow. You get home and remember you had a history project. You don't know what to do, or how it is supposed to be done. The next day, everyone has their project but you.
Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.
Your teacher asks you to pull out the handout from yesterday. You open your backpack and it's a mess. You start pulling everything out. There are papers everywhere. Everyone is waiting for you, and now she is reviewing the instructions while you are still looking. You can't find it. It was just there. The teacher is frustrated with you being 'unprepared' again and sends you out of class.
Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
For tomorrow, you need to read 5 chapters of a book. You open it and look. It's long, the font is small, it looks uninteresting. You immediately feel exhausted and overwhelmed. "Maybe later," you tell yourself. You put it down and walk away.
Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).
Everyone is ready to go. You are still looking for your glasses. You just had them. After 10 minutes, your mom hands them to you. They were in the kitchen sink. They tell you to hurry, and you realize you lost your phone while you were looking for your glasses. Everyone is frustrated and you start to feel anxious and wish you could hide. "Why can't I just be normal," you think.
Is often easily distracted
Your friend asks you to drive them to the store. You take your mom's new car. You look in the rearview mirror and notice a K-Pop sticker on the back of a car parked behind you. You think "wow, that's cool," and then as you back up, the side-view mirror hits a pole and falls off.
Is often forgetful in daily activities
You set up your very first job interview at a store you've been hoping to work at forever. The manager thought you were really personable, and tells you to come back in on Friday at noon. Friday morning you start cleaning the house. You walk by a clock and realize it's 1:30pm. You forgot about the interview and no showed the manager.
It's easy sometimes to look at someone and think that they should just get it together. Start paying attention more. Stop daydreaming. This is where the awareness comes in that some of us can't just do that.
A diagnosis of ADHD means that our symptoms are so bad that they impair us.
Sometimes medication make change the quality of life so intensely, that we realize that we are not stupid. We are not lazy. We are not aloof or out there. We are not slobs. We realize that we are capable.
While medication is certainly not for everyone, it can help some of us. There is relief. And there is no shame in that.
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