Pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful, happy, and a blessing. It's supposed to be natural. As the humans with a baby within us, we may feel that we should have a special poise, happiness and glow that comes along with pregnancy.
Doesn't instagram glorify baby announcement posts? You might see adorable baby showers and happy gender reveal posts on facebook. Adorable videos of happy pregnant women surprising their partners on Tik Tok.
Pregnancy should be a glorious, happy, and flawless time? Aren't we supposed to feel like goddesses, surrounded in flowers?
Shouldn't we be thrilled to tell everyone about this?
Well, not necessarily.
I had a miscarriage when I was 23 years old. For a long time, I glorified that short-lived pregnancy in my head. I thought about how beautiful it could have been, had it lasted. The perfect round belly. Maternity dresses. The little baby clothes. Being able to go on walks, rubbing my belly, and have a complication-free home birth. Feeling attached to this little human growing in my belly, and meal prepping healthy, colorful vegan meals every week.
Well. That didn't happen.
Now I'm divorced and remarried --- and feeling very blessed that things happened the way they did.
However, now I'm over 30 and I'm pregnant. In a pandemic.
Is it everything I had imagined it would be? Am I glowing, thrilled, and eating a variety of organic, bright salads with fruit sliced neatly on the side?
No.
No it is not.
And I do NOT feel guilty about that. Neither should you.
What does pregnancy really look like in the first trimester? Well, every pregnancy is different. I've had a lot of friends tell me that it was great, flawless, and that it's enjoyable. I've had other friends actually be up-front with me about what I need to expect. And they have normalized it for me. If you do not have friends who are normalizing that growing a human is really effing hard, then you need some new friends.
First off, what if you aren't happy when you get your pregnancy test? What if you start thinking about all of the things that will become more difficult - sleeping, working, building your career, traveling, saving money.. It can be normal to feel mixed emotions, or just plain freaking sad. You are going to grieve the loss of a life that you've built.
I've decided that when you are young, this can feel totally different. I've spent my life building a life that I wanted, and now everything changes. When you're young and pregnant, you move forward and build your adult life around your baby.
You may tell your partner, family or friends and feel that you are forcing yourself to be happy. Because that is what is expected. Well, you know what..stop it! You don't HAVE to be happy right now. That's totally normal, valid, and fine.
What about the pregnancy symptoms?
Morning sickness? Check. Except.. it's not really morning sickness. It's all-day sickness. It's a constant feeling of discomfort in your stomach. Being just plain queasy. All the time. So what can you stomach? Probably just carbs. Crackers, bread, pancakes..carbs.
Just drinking water can make you sick. So now you're lacking fiber, and mildly dehydrated.. Next up, constipation and hemorrhoids. Pooping isn't ever really fun, but it's really not going to be a task to look forward to anymore.
Let's add in some bloating and mild weight gain from all the carbs you've been pounding in order to soothe your very unhappy stomach. Your clothes are now a little tight.
Hormones? Sadness? Feeling passively suicidal randomly? Crying episodes? Yelling and explosive anger at everyone around you? Welcome to your first trimester.
Fatigue? Oh.. but not just fatigue. Feeling unbearably tired all the time. Waking up, feeling exhausted, and needing to take a 3 hour nap. Taking a shower is so exhausting, you'll probably need a nap. If you're lucky, you can take your 200mg of caffeine you are allotted. Others will be completely sickened by the smell or visual of your previously beloved cup of coffee.
Your sense of smell will heighten. If your partner or family cooks a favorite meal, you might be running to the bathroom to vomit. The smell of your partner might make you vomit. The smell of your dog. The smell of the car while driving.
Your boobs will grow, and they will hurt. Sleeping on your stomach will no longer be optional. But you will become very cautious about not bumping your newly grown boobs against anything, because..ow.
Your relationship with your partner may be hard for you. A previously affectionate person may feel touch aversion which means that being touched, cuddled with, kissed or hugged can cause you to feel a sense of disgust. This is also, oddly, normal. You may alternatively feel extra needy. You may feel that your partner just breathing or chewing suddenly irritates you.
What if you are taking medications? If you take antidepressants or other psychiatric medications, I beg of you to make an appointment with a psychiatric provider. Do not let your OBGYN or PCP abruptly take you off of your medications.
I'm not saying that all pregnancies are like this. But I am saying that not all pregnancies are flawless, beautiful and wonderful. Growing a human can be hard. If you are one of 1/2 of all pregnant people who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, then this can be even more stressful. None of this even indicates postpartum depression..this is just..the experience.
We live in an age in which social media glorifies pregnancy as easy, happy and an overall high point in life.
Now that I am experiencing this, I understand more. I understand how depression and mood disorders erupt quietly during a pregnancy and can haunt that person for months or years postpartum. I understand why 1 in 10 partners also have postpartum depression.
This. is. hard.
Allow yourself to understand that you are ALLOWED to feel things other than happiness during this time.
Be open with your friends. Be open with your family. Be open with your partner. Find support.
Here are 5 of my favorite books on pregnancy so far that have provided me with validation along the past several weeks
You are a F*cking Awesome Mom: So Embrace the Chaos, Get Over the Guilt and Be True to You. This book is my top recommendation for new parents, or just parents. Motherhood is difficult. Leslie Bruce does not eff around when she goes over how motherhood changes everything -- and I have found this book to be the most helpful. It's an easy read, hilarious at points and SO VALIDATING.
Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers. This book is an easy read overall and fairly quick to go through (especially if you are sleep deprived). The illustrations are great. I think this book is, again, just plain validating for anyone having a hard time. Let's normalize that birth can be traumatic. Let's normalize that postpartum depression is real and is really common. If you've ever had really scary thoughts in which you've been like "Why would I visualize my baby being hurt or me hurting them? I am awful! WHY would I think that?" ...then..it sounds like you're having a normal experience of postpartum anxiety and that relief is available.
What No One Tells You: A Guide to your Emotions from Pregnancy to Motherhood. I read this while I was studying to become perinatal mental health certified, and again when I found out I was pregnant. This book was written by perinatal psychiatrists who walk you through a normalized version of pregnancy as well as the fourth trimester. I highly recommend this for anyone who has a history of depression or anxiety. They note "matrescence" is an entire awkward life stage, similar to adolescence, in which our bodies and hormones rapidly changing. Dr. Sacks also has a fantastic Ted Talk on her concept of matrescence.
How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm: And Other Adventures in Parenting. I liked this book because it gave global norms on both pregnancy and parenting throughout the first years of life. For instance, in the United States, we emphasize early bedtime and may judge other parents as neglectful for keeping their kids up late. We may judge parents for bringing their newborn to a fancy restaurant. In Argentina, this is normal, expected and supported -- social support remains much more solid. In Tibetan culture, pregnancy is revered as much less medical than Western cultures. Moral of the story: there is no single right way of thinking of pregnancy and parenting.
Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom is Wrong and What you Need to Know. I LOVED this book. I read it twice, once prior to pregnancy and once again after I found out. This book is full of scientific facts about all of the recommendations you'll come into contact with. How much coffee can you really drink? What about the research about alcohol and pregnancy (after all, women drink wine in France throughout their entire pregnancies..). She presents all the evidence, and you are left to make your own decisions.
On my reading list:
If you are experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression or anxiety, please visit Postpartum Support International for support and information.
Comment if there's any books you've found that have been helpful!
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