Trauma can look like many different things, and every person perceives events differently. Trauma can come in the form of physical abuse, witnessing violence, bullying, community violence, racism, prejudice, death, robberies, sexual assault, homelessness, poverty, verbal abuse, break-ups, divorce, cheating, psychological or mental abuse, neglect, miscarriage, car accidents, dog bites...the list goes on.
The majority of my years in mental health, I have worked with survivors of trauma.
The processing of human trauma comes out in many forms. It can look like panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, hallucinations or nightmares. It can look like isolation, anger, self-hatred and guilt. It can look like stomachaches, headaches and pain. Sometimes it can look like hair pulling, skin picking, self harm or even suicide.
As mental health professionals, we organize to find the best way to support survivors. Therapists work in different ways to help process and restructure thoughts. I prescribe medications to allow the person to function by taking the edge off and reducing nightmares. Those things do work.
However, it does not take away the fact that the impact of trauma is significant and lifelong. There are things that happen in our lifetimes that we can't just forget..and that we may not be able to believe we can forgive.
Something I have encountered in practice quite often is the feeling of shame. People hold shame in disclosing their trauma. It feels embarrassing, taboo, or even wrong to talk about. Part of that is the avoidance of being triggered again, but I truly do believe that our society tells us that these things are not okay to talk about.
It shouldn't be that way.
There is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing to deserve this.
This is more common than you think.
This has happened to other people, too.
In 2010, I was assaulted. I spent a lot of time avoiding healing and suppressing my hurt. I told myself that I was young, and now I'm older and wiser. That couldn't happen to me anymore. In May of 2018, I was sexually assaulted again.
Maybe as a provider, this is taboo to talk about. But it shouldn't be. That is part of the shame our culture puts on us to silence us -- and so these things continue to happen. It certainly does not take away from my character, career, accomplishments or education.
Over the past two years, I have done a lot of self-reflection and reading about trauma. I started connecting with spirituality through the support of my wonderful friend and life coach at Aray Tarot. I have questioned human suffering. I have questioned why some people live their entire lives without severe trauma, and why some of us endure disproportionate amounts of suffering. I see children who have survived horrific encounters. They are little.. why them?
Connecting myself with spirituality has brought me more answers than I knew I'd be able to ever have about my trauma. I did not deserve to suffer, but I do believe that was meant to happen. I believe that the universe had a plan for me, and there was a purpose to my suffering. I harness these events as gifts. With those gifts in hand, I found a way to tap into those feelings, that hurt and that shame. I meditated on it.
My suffering was a gift to me from the universe. Had I never suffered and had events not happened exactly how they were supposed to, I would not be here right now. I would not be able to hold the same level of understanding for the people who have experienced the very same thing. I would not be able to hold a flame of hope for them, genuinely knowing that they will be able to survive this and eventually thrive. I would not be as strong and confident as I am today. I would not be able to have a unique perspective to teach nurse practitioner students and nursing students about how this feels from a nursing standpoint as well as a victim standpoint.
The concept of Post Traumatic Growth is not new.
Transformations come from being challenged. If we lived in a stagnant world with no challenges, we would never be able to truly grow. We would have little understanding of the world, the concept of suffering, or the power of empathy.
I believe that based on our path, the suffering we encounter can only help us to transform and flourish. If we do not know trauma, we can never understand true healing and forgiveness.
Understand that our society has a culture in which we are told that as women, we are less and that these are things we should not talk about..reporting it could mean that our reputations are destroyed and that people will take it out on us. Question us. Blame us. Understand that our society protects rapists. Understand that politicians and celebrities get away with hurting others for years because of their social status. Understand that we teach our daughters to be aware that people could hurt them, but we do not teach our sons not to hurt others.
Understand that for LGBTQ+ people, these things are even less frequently discussed. For male assault victims, it is also harder to talk about. There is a special kind of shame that comes from being hurt so bad that it destroys your sense of self. Your sense of being able to
feel strong or masculine. Understand that for people of color, witnessing the systemic death of their people is a kind of pain beyond understanding of white people.
If we can learn to look outside of ourselves, we will see that the person who hurt us has so much hurt themselves. Their actions were not about you. Their actions were about their own suffering, and in that place, they hurt you too.
It becomes your role to decide to break that cycle, and choose to not allow yourself to do the same thing. It becomes your role to take that pain, betrayal and hurt and start working to let it go. Letting yourself walk through life as someone's victim benefits no one, especially not you. For a societal trauma, a racial trauma.. we are seeing movements to change. Pushing against oppression. While change hasn't happened yet, the silence is over.
Freedom is on the other side. Freedom looks like taking that hurt and harnessing it to learn from. Can you see this event as a way to help others?
Trauma is never a good thing. It is never deserved. No one deserves to suffer.
But there is a purpose.
My favorite story to understand human suffering and trauma is the Buddhist story of Kisa Gotami.
Kisa once experienced the traumatic loss of her baby. Her hurt was intense, and she felt overwhelmed, aching to make it go away. She went to Buddha for help. Buddha told her that
if she could collect mustard seeds from a home in which no one had died, then he would bring her child back to life.
So she went door to door. There was not a single home that had never lost someone.
She then understood that suffering is a normal part of life. We all suffer, and that cannot be avoided.
That story helped me to understand acceptance. While I cannot change or stop suffering, and while I cannot take back horrible things that have happened, I can give love and forgiveness. I can find ways to channel that hurt into empathy, and to comfort those who are in need of it. I can find ways to move forward in life.
Just remember that everyone heals on a different timeline, and that's okay.
Everyone experiences trauma differently, and that's okay.
You are on a journey to healing. Be kind to yourself. Let this teach you that every single person you encounter may have gone through something too. Let this teach us to be compassionate to every single human we encounter. They may be angry or rude to you because they are hurting, too.
It wasn't because of you.
Some of my favorite books for better understanding and healing from trauma:
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